Welcome To Rock Bottom

Enough Is Enough, And It Is Time For A Chance

2010-09-30T14:42:00.000-07:00

Blessed are the words of the immortal Owen Hart.

Anyway, to quote the infamous mumbler and slurrer of words, these times they are a changin'.
It's time to rebrand, get our fix on and come our swinging. We will take this space, these words and put it towards making bank, driving range rovers and getting face time.

Best,
/V\@TT

Mic check 1 2 1 2

2008-08-21T09:05:00.000-07:00

First post from mobile.

Madmosa Podcast Is On Vacation

2008-06-04T11:03:00.000-07:00

I (Sawyer) am on vacation this week and out of lovely Bedford Stuyvesant for awhile, so there's no podcast this week. I was going to have Steve just lock himself in the bathroom and talk to the walls until he went crazy, but apparently he has a job or something to go to during the day. Who knew.

Be back next week, so step away from that ledge, live is still worth living, for at least another week.

In the meantime, check out the Buncocky Podcast. It's pretty similar to Madmosa, but it's better. It pains me to admit that, but it's true. Ah, life.

Search "Buncocky" in iTunes, then subscribe.
Buncocky Myspace
Dumpin' Dumpin' (quasi home for Buncocky, amongst other things.)
buncocky@gmail.com

Thanks.

Madmosa Podcast Episode #7 UP NOW!

2008-05-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

Episode 7: "You're A Star!"

Steve, Sawyer and Matt on the casting couch: where we'd insert ourselves (insert! ha!) in film history.

Matt Doktor returns again, making his record breaking THIRD guest appearance. We dig back into the hats of mystery for a few more questions, and play producer and casting agent in picking our favorite movies and how we'd play our role of choice. We also revist "What's Your Fucking Problem, That Movie Fucking Sucks", root around in the dirt for our lowest lows of the week, and weigh the realities of being trapped in the bathroom together for a very long time.

search "Madmosa Podcast" in the iTunes store, subscribe, comment, bone bone bone

http://www.mevio.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=113050 (this episode)
http://www.mevio.com/showguide/?key_id=17782&feed_type=pdn(all the episodes)

Madmosa Podcast Episode #6 Up Now!

2008-05-16T11:56:00.000-07:00

Episode #6: "Hello, Barbaro" (or) Madmosa's Millions: the quickest way to liquidate a fortune with no remaining assets.

In this week's episode, Sawyer and Steve break down a (quasi) real life version of Brewster's Millions, discuss the ups and downs of frenching a mummified Paul Newman, Steve's near miss at a career as a sportsbook oddsmaker, and delve into our lowest low of the past week. Matt Doktor joins the party for most of the episode, most notably when he divulges a moment from his past as an amateur actor where he kissed a black white guys penis nailed to a garage door. Gooooodnight!

search the iTunes store for "Madmosa Podcast", subscribe, comment, belittle, harass, indulge, solicit, whatever you may do, but leave feedback.
or the page on the podcast hosting site: http://www.mevio.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=112604

Thanks

Madmosa Podcast Episode #5 Up Now!

2008-05-08T18:32:00.000-07:00

Episode #5: "Amyl Nitrate, M'lady?"

Babes throughout the ages and the bizarre urges of the Id are examined in this episode.

We revisit our travels through time, focusing now on which babes we'd try to pull in various historical eras, as well as the fallback plans for when said attempts at kicking it inevitably fail. We also put the daily urges our each of our Id's under the microscope, and return to "questions in a hat" and "lowest low of the week." And in the usual meandering we hit on OJ Simpson's tax status, pregnancy scares, getting hit by a car, and a plethora of what can be referred to only in the loosest sense as "topics."

Search "madmosa podcast" in the iTunes store, subscribe, leave comments, etc etc.
or
http://www.mevio.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=111591

Thanks

Orenthal James Man of the Week

2008-05-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

I originally meant to do this once a week, but have fallen off recently because I hate everyone slash thing. I would apologize, but I'm pretty sure only 3 people read this and only one person cares. Anywhoooooooo......

First Place: Peter Nguyen

If you're not familiar with his work, please read his three earth-shattering essays. Not only did he shed light on Walt Whitman's Livejournal and double life as a pederast, he also made me realize how little I've accomplished. In all my years (18 seems right), I've never completed anything as ambitious and comprehensive as Peter Nguyen's scholastic endeavors. Kudos!

Second Place: This Guy

Not to ruin the link too much for you, but he tried to cash a check for $360,000,000,000 to start his own record label. Well, I guess I was kind of a "spoiler" or "cockblocker" there. I didn't mean to, but I'm really good at it. I'm especially exceptional at blocking my own cock, like sometimes I'll get this chub on and just start thinking about the Arizona Diamondbacks starting nine and I'll totally lose it, so I have to switch back to thinking about riding in a gondola with Audrey Tatou, both of us wearing matching white ensembles (me a suit, her a summer dress), sharing a bottle of Cab underneath an umbrella while the sun sets over the river Seine. Then I'm in heat.

Third Place: Roger Clemens

Congratulations, Roger. You shared some poon tang with a well-adjusted human being. Probably should have sprayed it for bugs first. Just a thought.

Orenthal Double Stuff: Endorsement AND Condomnation (hehe, condom)

2008-04-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

The Peacock

Thank you, NBC, for finally bringing back a longtime friend who has been out of the public eye for far too long:

That might be your next "Apprentice." I've never seen the show, but I imagine that at some point there might be the opportunity for OJ to get heated. And we all know what that leads to: calm consensus building among a small group of people. He's never shown his violent side to anyone, ever.
Also, if he gets kicked off, think of how incredible it will be when the Donald tells him "You're fired!"!!!!!!!! Oh my god! Laughing out loud!!!! Rofflemayo!!!!! Farts!!!!!

However, NBC can go sit on a cerated butcher's knife smothered in lemon juice for announcing their heir to Conan, Jimmy Fallon, also known as America's hairiest, slimiest, and most contagious vaginal wart. Look at this douchebag:
Whoa, a suit with a hooded sweatshirt!!!?? That's, like, classy and stylish, on top of letting the folks know that you're a power bottom. Not only did this asshole halt the laughter for all SNL sketches he appeared in during the Ferrell years (even Cowbell!!), he ruined MY FUCKING RED SOX WINNING THE WORLD SERIES FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 86 YEARS! Quick back story: Knowing that the Sox were making a run at the trophy, I quit my part time job to watch each and every game. They came back from 0-3 against the Yankees to win, then swept the Cardinals. I'm sitting there with my dad as Renteria hits a ground ball to Foulke for the final out and a wave of appreciation for this team I've lived and died for since I was born envelopes me. What's the next camera shot? Motherfucking Jimmy Fallon making out with Drew Barrymore on the mound for some shitty movie. Hopefully they passed syphilis and crotch rot between each other for that minute.
Anyway, fuck NBC for following up a genius with this mediocre talent.

IOWA

2008-04-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

Madmosa Podcast Episode #4 Up Now!

2008-04-24T13:11:00.000-07:00

Episode 4: Wannabe Nighthawks

Steve and Sawyer discuss Footjobs, the pros and cons of being either an athlete that peaks too early or an actor that peaks too late, our careers of choice throughout American History, our respective lowest lows of the past week, and Kathleen Turner and Bill Cosby drop in for a surprise interview.

http://madmosashow.podshow.com -the show's page
http://www.mevio.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=109737 -this episode

As we said before, it's totally up in the iTunes store now. If you've already subscribed, right-click "update podcast" if the newest one hasn't shown up yet. If you haven't subscribed, go to the iTunes store and search "Madmosa Podcast" and subscribe. Seriously, subscribing takes all the hassle out of it, new ones will show up in your iTunes all by themselves.

Leave us feedback, let us know what sucks and what rules. You can also forward any fanmail for either of our celebrity guests to madmosa@gmail.com.

Also comment on the iTunes Store page thing. It helps somehow, I think.

Thanks

MATT - endorsement of the day - this video

2008-04-24T06:43:00.001-07:00

what can i say?

Madmosa Podcast Episode #3 Up Now!

2008-04-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

Episode #3: "I Drove An Hour For This?"---

In Episode 3, the sports episode, we discuss youth sports memories and have a fantasy draft to make the ultimate party crew of current asshole professional athletes. This segment features our special guest Matt Doktor, who takes part in the draft as well. We also analyze our personalities through discussions of coaching womens sports and the consequences of a girl squirting in your bed, and introduce a new segment, "Point-Counterpoint", in which we yell at each other about a new topic every week. This week we discuss my lack of belief in germs and how it relates to Steve flipping out on me all the time.

We also revamp Sawyer and Steve at the Cinema- the segment is now called "What The Fuck Is Your Problem, That Movie Fucking Sucks." We each pick a movie the other likes and attempt to trash it. And lastly in a shocking turn of events, Steve's "Lowest Low Of The Week" actually trumps mine!

You no longer need to go to the podshow site to download it, its totally in iTunes. Just go to the iTunes store and search "Madmosa Podcast" and it'll pop up. You can subscribe or just download them one by one if thats your jam for whatever reason.

The new episode hasn't auto updated yet but that just means it doesn't show up right away when you're in the iTunes store- so once you subscribe or download just either click "refresh" or right click and select "update podcast" and the new one will pop up.

While you're there, review it, comment, whatever.

And if you still wanna go to the podshow thing for whatever reason, http://madmosa.podshow.com

As always, let us know what you think, especially on the "suck" end of the spectrum. I think this is by far the best one we've ever done, but maybe you don't think so! madmosa@gmail.com.

Thanks.

Happy Birthday Bud Dry Man

2008-04-16T08:59:00.001-07:00

Sawyer Williams: how was the rest of birthday day
MATT DOKTOR: i destroyed my room and tried to push my computer chair through the floor
Sawyer Williams: sounds like a good one

Orenthal Condemnation #3

2008-04-14T16:44:00.000-07:00

Jason Schwartzman

When I was 15, I was really pumped to see "Rushmore." It looked like it had a different blend of humor, interesting plot, and plenty of Bill Murray. It certainly lived up to expectations, and it's been one of my favorite movies since.
Schwartzman was a scene stealer in the flick, and then had a solid follow-up with the terribly underrated "Slackers." After that, he's decided to go down the "I'm a total prick-hipster-asshat" career path, taking roles in "Darjeeling Limited," and "Marie Antoinette." I haven't seen "Dewey Cox," and I've wanted to, but I must say that Schwartzman's appearance as whatever annoying Beatle has been one of my reasons for avoiding it.
To make matters worse, he got to lay down with a naked NatPo in "Hotel Chevalier," Wes Anderson's version of "Brown Bunny," only with Wes jerking off into his mouth instead of getting head from Chloe Sevigny. (Side note: This is the last time I mention NatPo - unless Stefano releases an avant gard sex tape with him wearing a ball gag, covered in candle wax, singing "Freak Me" by 90s immortals Silk, while NatPo shaves off his 90 pounds of pubic hair and lice with a straight razor and buttermilk. If you forget what he looks like, burn this into your brain, cut off your penis, and then try a cyanide taste test.)
I've heard numerous broads say, "Oh, I love Jason Schwartzman, he's so cute," and ignoring the undeniable fact that him and Wes have blowjob fests at each one of their wrap parties. He's a total fake, Phantom Planet sucks balls, and he's probably one of the main reasons that every asshole I see in New York has been wearing fucking corduroy blazers and ties on 95 degree days. If there's a God, they will all choke on tofutti and semen at their next pot luck dinner.
Wes Anderson can go fuck himself, too. "Bottle Rocket" and "Rushmore" were both fucking sick; every movie he made after that became a no-plot, way too stylish shit storm with understated dialogue that was supposed to come off as funny, but was pretentious instead. I hope his loafers slash his achilles tendons, causing Schwartzman to leave him for Adrian Brody.

"Bag of sand" moment of the week

2008-04-13T05:24:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the scene 40 year old virgin where Steve Carell is racing home on his bike after a poker game humiliated repeating "BAG OF SAND??? BAG OF SAND???" Well everyone should get that reference unless you're some sort of jerkoff. Anyway, it seems that I have a "bag of sand" moment every week. Maybe it stems from me being immersed in my own personal world throughout most of the day. When caught off guard my reaction seems to be a cross between the "Manning face" and Forrest Gump's reaction as he's sitting outside his mother's bedroom while the principal is giving her the business. Louis C.K.'s bit about this is a total and utter underestimation.

Well my bag of sand moment of the week (4/6 - 4/12) came from a saturday night conversation I had with a girl remain nameless. Long story short, instead of having a witty/clever reply I came back with this gem - "looks like a cat." Now, Steve Carell's "BAG OF SAND?? BAG OF SAND??" moment lasted his bike ride home. Conversely I was haunted with my "LOOKS LIKE A CAT???? LOOKS LIKE A CAT????" moment every spare minute of my week. Maybe if I had came up something clever things would have looked up and turned out better - on second thought probably not.

Orenthal Endorsement #8

2008-04-11T11:24:00.000-07:00

Check out my dude Chad's blog. He actually did talk to NatPo the other night, and he gives a recap of that convo as well as his call to her a few days later (you always wait at least 2 days to call a chick, bro). He doesn't update it often, but the posts about his ex-girlfriend are required reading. They're creepy, uncomfortable, and haunting, much like the man who wrote them.

Xoxo y'all

-Dr. Coquetoastan

BEST GRAFFITI EVER.

2008-04-10T16:12:00.000-07:00

Madmosa Podcast Episode #2 Up Now!

2008-04-10T15:45:00.000-07:00

Episode #2- "69, Dudes!"- Steve and I meet our future selves...sort of.

We discuss our vision of our lives in twenty years with our first guest 'caster, Jim Ogrin. We also discuss future inventions, take another trip to the futuristic cinema, and introduce two new segments: "five answers" and "lowest low of the week." We also introduce the final mash-up of the Hellhole composed theme music, and may or may not ramble on way too long.

Go to the link and click the little iTunes logo, and it will download directly into your iTunes.
http://www.podshow.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=107363

as always, the more feedback the better. and the more negative feedback the better. i already think i'm hilarious, so while i appreciate you telling me you think so too, telling us what ISN'T good is actually way more useful.

Thanks for listening, and hopefully it will be up/searchable in the iTunes store so you can subscribe easily.

http://www.podshow.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=107363
http://www.podshow.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=107363
http://www.podshow.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=107363
http://www.podshow.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=107363
http://www.podshow.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=107363

You Fucked Up, Bro

2008-04-09T17:21:00.000-07:00

So I was at a party on Sunday night, and guess who was there?

NatPo, or Natalie Fucking Portman. I was totally shook. Not only is she crazy gorgeous and in rad films - see: Beautiful Girls, The Professional - but she's smart and incredibly charming. At the end of the night, every dude I was with was kicking themselves saying, "Man, I'm so pissed I didn't even attempt to say anything to her." I guess that's part of the attraction to her; she seems to be the opposite of superficial, so every normal, asshole loser (like me and my friends) convinces themselves that, in some perverted, bizarro world way, we could have had a shot. If we just said the right things, drop some Proust knowledge, make a casual reference to a hip indie band, talk about our ambitions (stony voiced "whaaa?"), we could break through and catch the girl of our dreams.

You know what the worst part is? I fell for the trap. Not in the sense that I wish I'd hit on her, because I wouldn't even know how to hit on Kathy Griffin. My regret is that I literally do nothing cool in my life because I don't take huge chances. I have no faith they'll work out in my favor. What would be the harm in embarrassing myself in front of Queen Amidala? Who gives a shit? Yeah, I'd walk away with a red face, but that's better than standing in the corner with my dick between my legs.

Actually, no, that's not the worst part. Today at work, I found out she's dating this dude. This is baffling slash more depressing than finding out that Mila Kunis is dating Macauley Culkin. So now I've decided to grow a beard, wear a Razlet, create some art or whatever, and become the biggest herb on earth because I guess that's what gets you smoking hot celebrities.

Fuck my life.

The Madmosa Podcast

2008-04-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

The Madmosa Podcast is a podcast that Steve (Bass) and I (Sawyer, Throat) do once a week. I was going to make it an Orenthal Endorsement, but that would be sort of stupid, even for us.

Episode #1 is up now, Episode #2 will be up later tonight/early tomorrow. Check it out. What passes for a press release follows below...
--------------

A Madmosa is a traditional Mimosa but with Mad Dog Wine substituted for the Orange Juice. Normal life, but shitty. One guy from Albany and one guy from Boston who now live together (JUST AS FRIENDS) in Brooklyn talk about sports, movies, tv, dicks, boobs, cocks, hooters, wieners, tits and life.

Episode #1: "Tit-Joy: The Joy Of Tits"

In our first episode we talk a little bit about ourselves via backassward questioning, review trailers for upcoming movies, take some personality quizzes and discuss the American Pie Franchise in our first installment of the six part "Merits Of The 'Pies."

check it out here: http://www.podshow.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=106405

click on the little iTunes logo and it'll automatically pop it into your podcasts section in iTunes.

http://www.podshow.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=106405
http://www.podshow.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=106405
http://www.podshow.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=106405
http://www.podshow.com/shows/?mode=detail&episode_id=106405

Holy Shit We're For Really Real Getting Those Shirts!

2008-04-03T14:54:00.000-07:00

...And you can get one for sort-of free!

So I'm actually going to pick up the shirts with my own two hands this weekend and transport them back to the city. Anyone who "orders" (read: paypals $1 for shipping to: grossnation@gmail.com) a demo between now and Sunday when I get back gets a free shirt.

That's a pretty sweet deal. The shirts are pretty boss. Make sure you say what size you want in the paypal thing, along with your address obviously.

On a black shirt. Sweet.

This Pretty Much Sums Up OJ As A Band

2008-04-03T14:50:00.000-07:00

Maybe we should change our name to Sex Funeral...

Day 1 Of Tour: Total Sucess!

2008-03-22T08:06:00.000-07:00

The Atlantic City show went incredibly. Almost 2,000 people showed up, and a lot of them left totally disappointed, which is what we usually shoot for. As a band we took home around $800, which is a pretty good haul, considering no one was charging at the door. This show really needed someone like Amit to run it properly, motherfucker were just waltzing in like it was free. The drinks were complimentary, which is the way it should be. They didn't have Bud Dry, which was a shame but we came prepared and had the BD waiting when we got back.

The tour podcast will be up when we get back, as well as pictures. For now, a few samples of what last nights show was like:

STREET BEEF.

Spring Tour Starts Today!

2008-03-21T13:43:00.000-07:00

We're heading out on tour tonight, first hitting Atlantic City and then DC, and maybe Philly. 4/6th of the band can't make it, but Bud Dry Man and I picked up our friend Geoff to fill in on drums, bass, guitar and guitar. Here's a recent picture of him:
Should be a blast, hopefully the shows go alright and the Orenthal Army shows up and pits hard.

See you guys when we get back, email in your address so we can write postcards!

She's The One That's Hookin'! I Didn't Even Get My Suck-Off!

2008-03-21T08:49:00.000-07:00

mikedikkwst: i missed the last thing you said, if it was important

mikedikkwst: i ws actually yelling at a prostitute. it was awesome

Sent at 11:14 AM on Friday

divefeetfirst518: AWESOME. tell me about it

mikedikkwst: well she already had a room her for a couple days

and like when i came in yesterday people were complaining about the noise from her room

and then she called during the day yesterday to ask if we could got some people out of her room, BUT not tell them she asked to get them out of the room.

and my manager said the only way they could do that is by callling the cops and she said not to do that.

so today when i came in the fat night lady told me she was propositioning the construction dudes staying here and that she needed to be out today no matter what.

so she came down here at like 1030 asking if she could stay another day and i was just like no way.

and then she asked if i had a copy of the rules and regulations and i was like i dont know id have to ask someone and then she said shed get it when she checked out.

so it comes time to check out and she's like do you have the rules and regulations

and im like "we dont have anything like that. i think we have a rulebook or something."

and she was like "Can i see that"

and i was like "why do you want to see that??"

and she wouldnt tell me so i just had my manager deal with it

and he was just like you cant stay here we got too many complaints and she was like fine.

and then she was waiting in the lobby and a minute later she was like "its your fault anyway"

and i say "MY fault??" indicating she meant me and not the hotel before i started to yell at her

and she was like "yeah you're the ony who let them come in"

and i just went off on her

at one point i asked if they has a magical hotel key that let them come in her room, and i wiggled my fingers around to mime magical farie dust

Sent at 11:22 AM on Friday

divefeetfirst518: hahaha wow. can i put that on the OJ blog

mikedikkwst: sure

Sent at 11:30 AM on Friday

Orenthal James Man of the Week

2008-03-19T18:18:00.000-07:00

First Place: James Valentine Ogrin

If you don't know him, he's the best dude on the face of the planet in the history of the world. Eat it, Jesus! Yeah, you can walk on water, but are you this handsome? Can you shred as if Kirk Hammet, Eddie Van Halen, and Slash dumped all of there sperm into a petri dish to make one uber-rifftalicious test tube baby? No? You only have the hand of God on your side? Because Mr. Valentine doesn't make his guitar gently weep; he makes it scream like a masochist while at the same time begging for more.
It was JVO's birthday last Saturday, and I think the world should stand up and give him a round of applause. Or commit ritual suicide because this is as good as humanity gets, and the vast majority of us we'll never get there.

Second Place: Eliot Spitzer

(Thought bubble) "You know, I have a wife, kids, a pretty serious job in politics where I dictate state policy for millions upon millions of people. I'm seen almost nightly on the news, in the daily papers...I've been fairly successful in my life up to this point. But if I don't get some taut, young ass, I'm going to go fucking crazy. They never catch politicians hiring hookers, right?"
See, Spitzer gets it. He's totally devoted the OJ lifestyle. He threw everything he worked for away to hit some high-class tail. And by hit, I mean paid up the nose to rail a skank. Maybe this wasn't such a cool thing. It's above Eddie Murphy soliciting a dude, but below Clinton nailing an intern with a cigar (and getting away with it). As my friend Alex says, "Kids, if you work really hard, your fingers can smell like this."

Third Place: Shawn Kemp

I found this video in a Bill Simmons article about saving Seattle Supersonics basketball, and I realized I had forgotten how obnoxiously awesome The Reign Man was. He's possibly the most athletic power forward of all time, and a pretty sweet human to boot. He battled "Grandmama" Larry Johnson for the most bastard children in NBA history, some of whom are finally getting to the age where they can knock up a skirt and then bounce. Sadly, Shawn's precipitous weight gain in the late 90's brought an early end to his career. This begs the question, "How do you gain 60-80 pounds of fat in a year when you're a cokehead and your profession requires doing wind sprints for 48 minutes a day?"

3/9/08 Pictures

2008-03-19T13:58:00.000-07:00

Some pictures of our set from the 1st annual United States National Defenders Of The Motherland Day. Much better pictures of the other bands can be found HERE(Mother Night), HERE(Celebrity Murders), HERE(Staring Problem), and HERE(Pulling Teeth).

Thanks to Joe for taking these, even though the only pictures he took of me are just when I was drinking.

Orenthal Endorsement #7

2008-03-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

Achewood

It speaks for itself, but this is a personal favorite.

(click on it to see it bigger)
http://achewood.com

Orenthal Endorsement #6

2008-03-17T14:33:00.000-07:00

DMX Calls It Like He Sees It

From an XXL interview:

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.
Barack?!

Barack.
What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

Yeah.
What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

So you’re not following the race. You can’t vote right?
Nope.

Orenthal Endorsement #5

2008-03-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

New Zealand Scientists!

There was an article in the March 4th New York Times Science section about a variety of studies on human behavior related to drinking in excess (also known as "drinking" to you and I). Most of it was sort of bland, just talking about how different cultures have different ways of outwardly displaying drunkenness and so forth.

But what caught my eye was that a group of scientists in New Zealand "conducted extensive interviews with teenage girls who associate drinking with uninhibited behavior..."

So basically they got paid to do what I try to do every goddamned weekend. Well, not strictly teenage girls. Just girls and ladies of all ages. So what I'm getting around to endorsing is the notion of science that can be practiced at 3am in some shitty bar, by someone no more educated in the ways of quarks and electrons than I am. And it's the kind of science that can end up with two people making some awesomely poor decisions.

NOW THATS SCIENCE.

First Annual USNDM Day Recap!

2008-03-11T08:22:00.000-07:00

Arrived in New Brunswick around 3pm, swung by Casa De Doktor to pickup the Bud Dry, then over to the House of Boring for our bi-monthly band practice. Ordered Ta-Ta's for a little NB comfort food ("Hey Bud...") and then headed over to the show.

The Junkyard Palace is located conveniently a block away from Patrick's, which I ducked into periodically throughout the night, which was especially comforting during the Brazilian jug and washboard guitar band, or whatever the fuck that turned out to be.

After "tuning up" and getting the mic situation resolved, we played. The general consensus was that it was pretty alright, kids pitted pretty hard at various times which was awesome. The set list was as follows:

Jammin' With The Fellas/Vocal Test*
Me, Jack Daniels And Jim Beam
Manhole Inspector
Girl In The Gingham Dress
I'm Packin'
We Gotta Know** (cocktease)/Homo-Sexual***
Texas On A Saturday Night****
Honkeytonky 2000

*Vocal Test originally performed by Integrity
**We Gotta Know (cocktease intro) originally performed by the Cro-Mags
***Homo-Sexual originally performed by the Angry Samoans
****lyrics by Tex Hooper

We played way better than the first show, and I remember AT LEAST 75% of the set, and the missing 25% can be attributed to my generally horrible memory rather than blacking out like the first show. And I was able to show up to work Monday without any new cuts, black eyes, or general damage. Which is a plus, I suppose, despite the fact that I feel like I wasted a weekend.

We also moved a lot of units, as they say in the biz. Though I should clarify, the demo's were free and we only had like 20 or 30 of them. But regardless, I'm pretty happy that people were at least interested enough to take free shit. AND I didn't find a single one thrown on the ground after the show.

Only major bummer was I was unable to follow through on the promises of Roulette and Blackjack, but there just wasn't room anywhere to set up either. That can be credited to the place being PACKED, which is awesome. Seriously, tons of credit to Amit for getting an awesome show together and running it well, and also to whoever lives there. But next time I PROMISE there will be plenty of gambling for all.

Scratch that: OTHER only major bummer was our 6th man not being present. Bud Dry Man had family stuff to attend to, so he couldn't be there. So if we weren't as good as we should have been or could have been, it can be attributed to the fact that we were down a man, so come check us out next time as a full six piece. Doktor DID come through with the Bud Dry though, so he retains his title without any huge losses. We'll have to bump our next re-up to three 30 racks though, as the two we had were gone by the end of our set.

And further apologies to anyone (?) who cared that we were going to have those Munson shirts, they didn't get finished in time, though that actually wasn't our fault for once. We'll have them for the next time.

Mother Night were awesome. I'm not sure that I've ever actually said this before "publicly" but I'd gotten their demo for review years ago when I did reviews for Bystander Fanzine, and I wasn't that into it. And then I hadn't heard anything from them since, so when I found out I was going to be living with a bunch of them in New Brunswick last year, I was sort of like "oh man, this is going to be one of those things where I have to pretend to like my roomates' band so it's not awkward." Then they played some show I was at @75 Louis and I was shocked because they were awesome, a hundred times better than I remembered from the demo. I remember telling Steve how pumped I was that not only did they not suck, but that they ruled. I've probably seen them a dozen plus times since then, and this show was easily one of the best. Someone on the Jersey board said something along the lines of that one of the reasons they rule so much live is that EVERY dude in the band just annihilates his instrument, and it's rare you see a band where all of the members are just super intense, and not in the "angry face for the cameraz" way, in the genuinely intense way.

Uh, so yeah, they were great.

Celebrity Murders were next, and they've been one of my favorite bands since I got the demo at some show in Albany a couple years ago. The demo was good and all, but Time To Kill Space just blew it out of the water. A totally punishing record from the second the sound clip at the beginning of Proxy Violence ends. I've seen them a bunch of times but they always sound best in smaller spaces where they're loud enough to just fill the room and totally obliterate. They played a few new songs that sounded awesome too, so hopefully whatever those songs are from comes out soon.

The aforementioned Brazilian band played next, and I spent their set at Patrick's. The best description of their set was "They tuned for 30 minutes and then Staring Problem played." So I feel pretty confident I made the right choice.

Embarrassingly enough I've slept on Staring Problem for way too long, until a week ago friday when I made a last minute decision to head down to the Asbury Lanes for their record release show. And thank fucking god I did go, because they were just totally awesome that night. A great mix of sorta 90's styled breakdowns with that early 80's California guitar sound that a lot of Jersey Shore bands seem to have. At least to my non-heathen-state ears. They were great again Sunday, and anyone who hasn't picked up their new LP "You'll Always Be Sick" definitely should.

Pulling Teeth played last, and while they were sweet, it wasn't the best I've seen them. The last time they played NB was better, in my humble opinion. But it could be partially due to the fact that I was sorta spent by the time they played. And besides, Pulling Teeth at 75% awesome are still better than most bands going. Pissed that I forgot AGAIN to buy the stupid LP, so now I'll probably just order it and kick myself for having to pay shipping.

Great show though, one of the most fun I've ever been too much less one I've ever played, with any band I've been in. Thanks to everyone who came and everyone who played.

I have a few pictures of our set I'm going to put up when I get home, but this dude took some awesome pictures of Mother Night, Staring Problem, Celebrity Murders and Pulling Teeth that can be found HERE.

SUNDAY!

2008-03-07T13:30:00.000-08:00

Hey, so you likea da blackjack?

And you likea da roulette?

And you likea da beer?

Well, as mentioned, this Sunday is the first annual:

Which coincides with:

And there will be all of the above, along with some posters and bullshit. Oh, and we're playing with four fucking incredible bands. If you need to be swayed further, check out the following:

PULLING TEETH
CELEBRITY MURDERS
STARING PROBLEM
MOTHER NIGHT

And here's our DEMO, we'll be playing all of it plus a new song and some, uh, other shit.

Lastly, tomorrow night in Brooklyn, this will rule, fucking Deathcycle!
Suffice to say it's going to be a great weekend.

If you need an address for the show Sunday, email: mothernightnj@gmail.com for directions, or myspace message Mother Night or us.

Lets get shitty.

Orenthal Endorsement #4

2008-03-06T11:04:00.000-08:00

Being Single

This dovetails nicely with my earlier condemnation. Seriously, fuck having a girlfriend, or a family, or any meaningful relationships. They just take up your time and sap any semblance of freedom from your daily routine. Look at me: I've been single for god knows how long, but I can blog whenever I want, get blackout drunk all the time, hit on random, unappealing women, and watch re-runs of "Monk" without anyone getting up in my grill about it. Except JQP, who won't admit that the show is both suspenseful AND funny. Girlfriends (or boyfriends, if you read this blog and are somehow either gay or female or both, actually) are the worst offenders of harshing the Orenthal Lifestyle and thus being single receives my endorsement, though perhaps not the endorsement of those in the army that are going steady with a significant other.

Orenthal James Endorsement #3

2008-03-06T10:38:00.000-08:00

J.K. Livin Clothing Line

Matthew McConaughey started his own clothing line, "j.k.livin", which is short for his motto: "JUST KEEP LIVIN."

"That's livin without a 'g', because life is not a verb."

If it wasn't painfully obvious by now how awesome McConaughey is, this cements it. I'm planning on buying stock in this new venture, as well as the entire summer line.

His website, http://www.matthewmcconaughey.com/ , is pretty incredible as well.

And for further MM talk, check out the most recent review on my movie blog, YOU BABY GORILLA.

Orenthal Condemnation #2

2008-03-06T10:21:00.000-08:00

YOUR MOM

Yeah, that bitch. Always nagging, reminding you to do this, clean up that, blah blah blaahh. If she's a "good" mom, she'll raise you to not raw dog and bail, huff, drink or gamble heavily, attend donkey shows, rent midgets to toss, do peyote during the workweek, be apathetic towards everything except TV and vagina...basically everything that's fun about life. Now it's a big fucking guilt trip when you are allegedly the father of 4 kids by 3 different mothers, none of whom know your real name. And while we're at it...

your dad gets condemned, too. This is the same asshole that comes home from work and the first thing he says is, "Not now," as he proceeds to down highball after highball to deaden the feeling of losing a life never lived. Want to hang out with your friends? Sure, after you mow the lawn, clean the gutters, and climb into the heavy bag for 3 minutes. Don't want to play catch? Too bad, you're acting like a faggot, so man up and put the leather on. And since we're on the subject...

your kids are the worst. "I want this new toy..." "Take me to Chuck'E'Cheese" "I need a real bed, not a cardboard box" "Please feed me, I'm so hungry!" and it never stops. Always take take take, never any give. Oh, and say goodbye to drinking before 8 in the morning, because you have to get them ready for "school." You probably stop having sex with your wife because you're both "sooo tired" from the kids, you both get fat, hate yourselves, and end up like the two asshats formerly mentioned in this post. Have fun.

Since I ripped it for some dude on a messageboard:

2008-03-06T06:16:00.000-08:00

Inside Out-Live at the Antrhax, 6/15/90

Free Demo Download

2008-03-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

Since it's already on the second page, I thought I'd post the demo again. By all means rip it from here, it's all free and shit, and I'll post the artwork/lyrics as well. If you want a physical copy, tape or CD, paypal a buck for shipping to: grossnation@gmail.com. (And send a quick email with your address to sawyer.williams@gmail.com because I don't check the grossnation account as frequently.)

FREE DEMO DOWNLOAD

ARTWORK/LYRICS

and add the stupid fucking myspace THANKS.

I LOOK AROUND ME, WHAT DO I SEE...

2008-03-05T07:11:00.000-08:00

Debate for 3/9 settled.

(Un-Embeddable, sorry.)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=OymsTdTmT_4

United States National Defenders Of The Motherland Day

2008-03-03T18:06:00.000-08:00

In the former Soviet Union and currently in Russia, every February 23rd is National Defenders Of The Motherland Day. "On 23 February, Russia honors those who are presently serving in the Armed Forces and those who have served in the past. During the era of the Soviet Union, it was called "Red Army Day" or the "Day of the Soviet Army and Navy" (celebrating the day of the first mass draft of the Red Army in Petrograd and Moscow or of the first combat action against the occupying German forces)."

Orenthal James has no particular interest in celebrating the Russian army or the United States army or any army other than the OJA. We do, however have a vested interest in maintaining, promoting and celebrating the Orenthal James lifestyle. That is our motherland. However any of us feel about this country or any other is moot because the lifestyle is an overreaching and border jumping entity.

March the 9th will be the first celebration of The United States National Defenders Of The Motherland celebration.

More to come on the festivities as the date approaches.

Orenthal Endorsement #2

2008-02-29T12:41:00.000-08:00

Guilt Trip

Raw ass punk from Jersey City. They rule, and there's some songs up on the myspace HERE. They're playing all the way down in Asbury Park tonight with Staring Problem, Mother Night, Sea Creature and Killin' It. I don't know if I can get there, but if you can, you should.

3/9/08

2008-02-29T12:40:00.000-08:00

Orenthal James + Special Guests Southwest Tour 2k9

2008-02-29T10:24:00.000-08:00

Feb 12 - Feb 16 Southwest Orenthal Tour.... Details to come

Orenthal Condemnation #1

2008-02-29T06:25:00.000-08:00

After some thought I realized it was important to make note of the things that diminish, detract, and sully the Orenthal James Lifestyle as well as those which enhance it. The first in what will surely be a long list of things that bum us the fuck out is:

Diablo Cody.

On the off chance that you live under a rock, Diablo Cody is the chick who wrote Juno. She's also the antichrist. Thanks to that movie exploding and everyone thinking its so ammmaaaaaazzing, she now has like 3 different projects in the works. One of which is, and I quote, "Superbad for girls!" I can't think of a more offensive movie. That makes Triumph Of The Will sound like a lost episode of Blossom. Oh, and in case you didn't know, SHE USED TO BE A STRIPPER! How interesting and quirky is that! What makes it SO interesting is that she manages to mention it EVERY 10 FUCKING MINUTES. She embodies pretty much everything I hate about everything. Oh and in case you were wondering, that's not her real name. She felt the need to re-invent herself (apparently the publicity stunt stripper job wasn't enough) and so while she was driving through the Diablo canyon and listening to some sort of shitrock by someone named Cody, she put the two together and WHAMMO. And now she has an Oscar, which means short of an divine miracle of a schoolbus running her down, we'll probably have to deal with her for at least another year. Fuck her so hard. And not in the sexy way.

HOW DID YOU FORGET?

2008-02-28T12:34:00.000-08:00

Solid choice for Man Of The Hour Matt, but I don't know how you didn't include this clip:

Orenthal James Man of the hour for 3pm 2/28

2008-02-28T12:13:00.000-08:00

"niggas...just don't try to do everything with your white friends, don't get drunk with your white friends....can't do it, can't fucking do it they don't drink like niggas, we are very consistent, if a nigga drink hennessy thats what the fuck he drink, you don't gotta keep asking, that's what he drink on monday, wednesday, friday, his birthday, jesus birthday, HENNESSY, if they don't have hennessy he will accept remy as a back up. White people odn't care what they drink, all they care about is what they say when they're leaving the house...."TONIGHT WERE GETTING FUCKED UP.....they trickey, white people like to buy the drink, as a nigga we are not prepared to turn down a god damn drink, we don't care what the fuck it is its like 'THIS IS UNLEADED?....THAT'S SPICIER THEN A MOTHERUCKER'"

Excellent, American Hustle was great when you can fast forward through the bullshit... i'm too scared to listen to his rap cd.

honorary mention: B Cole....head day

Orenthal Endorsement #1

2008-02-28T12:01:00.000-08:00

There are a wide array of things that not only fit into but enhance the Orenthal James Lifestyle. We'll be brining you new endorsements from time to time to help further your downward spiral.

The first is a new ongoing podcast that's done by Orenthal Associates. If you like laughing, shitty tv, shitty movies, cocks, laughing, grave digging and laughing, this is for you.

Buncocky Podcast

Enjoy.

Orenthal James Man of the Week

2008-02-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

First Place: Cedric the Entertainer

He gets my man of the week honor for making my stay in No Fuck, Vagina just a tad more enjoyable with his thoroughly entertaining "Codename: The Cleaner." The laughs keep on coming in this madcap romp. Imagine the Bourne series but with jokes about Jet magazine and Skittles instead of action and plot. The only other work of his that I'm familiar with are those Miller Lite commercials, but apparently he's also been in "Mr. 3,000" and "The Green Mile." I also think he's been in "Who's Your Caddy?" but Sawyer and IMDB disagree for some reason.

Second Place: Nick Cage

For accepting literally any script that comes across his agent's desk. I watched "The Wicker Man" yesterday (I'm really fucking bored here) and it's fantastic. I didn't even know it existed until yesterday, but I'm almost 100% positive that no other actor would have the balls to take such an aggressive role. And by aggressive, of course I mean nearly career ending. He saw the character of Edward Malus as a mix of Cameron Poe, Charlie Kaufman, and Johnny Blaze and executed it perfectly. With awful results. Also, the movie was dedicated to Johnny Ramone.

Third Place: Sam Lutfi

Let me get this straight: This guy, who has no qualifications to do anything, weaseled his way into Britney Spears' life, started making all of her business and personal decisions for her, drugged her, and persuaded her to buy him stuff. And he did all of this within view of millions of people. He's like the kamikaze moocher; just does not give a fuck about who he scams and who can see it. Apparently the LAPD is now investigating him for the whole "2 month Britney Spears date rape" thing, but I think we can all learn a lesson from his intelligence and drive.

Truer Words Were Never Spoken

2008-02-28T05:56:00.000-08:00

Re: "getting low/synchronized skanking/mosharena/line-mosh"

"Whenever I go to a show and I see sort of like, 20 kids in a row doing this kind of weirdo line dancing mosh I get so bummed. If you're legitimately busting, you should be doing one thing, and its ruining the good time of everyone around you."

-Dan Brennan

This mentality is 1000% supported by the Orenthal Lifestyle.

Shirts for the Orenthal Army

2008-02-27T17:43:00.000-08:00

Shirts that define a lifestyle, for better or worse. Mostly the latter.

We were trying to decide what to put on a shirt and we went through bullshit idea after bullshit idea. Kingpin has been on teevee a lot lately, and I've done a lot of thinking about it's relevance and bearing in my life. I've made myself into quite the Roy Munson, but I've done so without a Big Ern to send me down that sad, disheveled path. If anything, I'm my own worst McCrackin. Sometimes when I find myself chin deep in the toilet bowl, barfing up what's left of a vodka dinner after sinking to the lowest depths between my shriveled, gnarled, crab infested landlords legs to cover back rent, I try and think back to the moment I took that decisive wrong turn. And there's been so many decency DUI's that I just can't remember when it started. I don't have a plastic hand to remind me of what once was. I just have hazy memories of a time when I woke up feeling good about the night before. I'm pretty sure if an Ishmael came my way I'd be too busy kicking myself through friendships and walls to see salvation knocking.
Some people can bowl perfect games.
Some people can milk bulls.
Some people can raise a barn.
All I can do is wreck myself.
All I have to offer is violence.

A FEW HINTS AT UPCOMING ORENTHAL SONGS....

2008-02-26T22:25:00.000-08:00

COVERS? NEW SOUND? WE WILL SEE..

AND

Some thoughts on Bud Dry

2008-02-26T13:04:00.000-08:00

Written briefly after recording the demo. Our collective love and desire for Bud Dry, and our previous inability to acquire it, coupled with Matt Doktor's discovery of a hefty and steady supply in his hometown all contributed to his inclusion as the sixth member of Orenthal James. That, and his ability to pogo for extended periods of time.
-J.Q.P, 2/26/08.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So I went out to New Brunswick a few weeks ago to record my new bands demo and also for a party later that night. Down the block from where I used to live is a Liquor Store by the name of Joe's "King of Kegs". We decided to pick up a 30 rack to lubricate the recording process, and stumbled upon the Bud Dry display. Being that no one had seen Bud Dry in their (drinking) lives, and only a few of us had foggy memories of it's existence through commercials, we decided to go with it. And long story short, it was fucking DELICIOUS. Comparable to plain old Bud, but, well...drier. I know that sounds stupid, but it's the only way to really describe it. I generally can't stand wine, but from my limited exposure, I can tell the difference between a "dry" wine and whatever they call normal wine. And the Bud/Bud Dry taste spectrum is very similar.

After some minimal internet research, it turns out that it was introduced in 1990 and by 1994, with the release of Bud Ice, it was put on the back burner and not as widely produced, promoted or distributed. I've never seen it anywhere besides this one Liquor store, so if you can come up on it somewhere, buy it in bulk, you won't regret it. Lastly, the can is pretty sweet looking too. I couldn't find any pictures of the can itself online, but the above graphic is pretty close. The red in this picture is more of an orange on the can, and I've always been partial to the blue/orange combo in graphics.

Sunday March 9th, New Brunswick NJ

2008-02-26T12:14:00.000-08:00

See you there...

unless Zach makes a stink, then maybe:

but Steve might try and ruin everyones fun. If he gets his way...

Inside the mind of Bud Dry Man

2008-02-26T08:52:00.000-08:00

MATT DOKTOR: we either have to cut that to 8 or bump it to 12
divefeetfirst518: i dont get that logic at all
11:40 AM
MATT DOKTOR: bear with me...i'll be one minute
divefeetfirst518: ok
MATT DOKTOR: in every conceivable scenario, you're better of with four people instead of five (outside of pick up basketball or poker)
MATT DOKTOR: cabs work better
MATT DOKTOR: sporting events work better
MATT DOKTOR: if you keep the number at four, you'll always have enough people to make it interesting and everyone has a chance to shine, more people and its crowded
MATT DOKTOR: think about tv
11:45 AM
MATT DOKTOR: most successful sitcom ever 4 people
MATT DOKTOR: most popular female show sex and the city had 4 too
divefeetfirst518: haha wow

Everybody wants to interview me.

2008-02-26T08:48:00.000-08:00

"I'm sorry Kevin, I'm having a little trouble hearing you."

If I Did It.

2008-02-25T13:56:00.000-08:00

Those motherfucking Goldman's blocked it's publication, and now put out their own version, but here's the oringinal in PDF form.

If I Did It, by Orenthal James Simpson

Not Guilty.

2008-02-25T13:16:00.001-08:00

Some useless history.

Orenthal James is a six piece band hailing from Cleveland, Boston, New Jersey and Albany, now located in the dregs of Brooklyn and New Brunswick NJ.

We play ugly music that's bound to ruin any party and enhance any trashing of said party.

We've got a myspace that has yet to result in any of us getting laid. You can check that out HERE.

A demo was recorded in the fall of 2007 in the basement of the House of Boring on scenic Delafield Ave. Dr. Brain Maguire recorded the whole thing from behind the drum kit in an evening fueled by Bud Dry, the official drink of Orenthal James.

We played our first show January 19th at the Court Tavern in New Brunswick with The Banner, Chokepoint, Know Think and Let Me Run.

The Full demo is up for download right HERE.
If you want an actual copy of the demo, paypal a buck to grossnation@gmail.com to cover shipping, and say if you want a tape or a CD.
They look like this: