Orenthal James Man of the Week

I originally meant to do this once a week, but have fallen off recently because I hate everyone slash thing. I would apologize, but I'm pretty sure only 3 people read this and only one person cares. Anywhoooooooo......

First Place: Peter Nguyen

If you're not familiar with his work, please read his three earth-shattering essays. Not only did he shed light on Walt Whitman's Livejournal and double life as a pederast, he also made me realize how little I've accomplished. In all my years (18 seems right), I've never completed anything as ambitious and comprehensive as Peter Nguyen's scholastic endeavors. Kudos!

Second Place: This Guy

Not to ruin the link too much for you, but he tried to cash a check for $360,000,000,000 to start his own record label. Well, I guess I was kind of a "spoiler" or "cockblocker" there. I didn't mean to, but I'm really good at it. I'm especially exceptional at blocking my own cock, like sometimes I'll get this chub on and just start thinking about the Arizona Diamondbacks starting nine and I'll totally lose it, so I have to switch back to thinking about riding in a gondola with Audrey Tatou, both of us wearing matching white ensembles (me a suit, her a summer dress), sharing a bottle of Cab underneath an umbrella while the sun sets over the river Seine. Then I'm in heat.

Third Place: Roger Clemens

Congratulations, Roger. You shared some poon tang with a well-adjusted human being. Probably should have sprayed it for bugs first. Just a thought.