Orenthal James Man of the Week

First Place: James Valentine Ogrin

If you don't know him, he's the best dude on the face of the planet in the history of the world. Eat it, Jesus! Yeah, you can walk on water, but are you this handsome? Can you shred as if Kirk Hammet, Eddie Van Halen, and Slash dumped all of there sperm into a petri dish to make one uber-rifftalicious test tube baby? No? You only have the hand of God on your side? Because Mr. Valentine doesn't make his guitar gently weep; he makes it scream like a masochist while at the same time begging for more.
It was JVO's birthday last Saturday, and I think the world should stand up and give him a round of applause. Or commit ritual suicide because this is as good as humanity gets, and the vast majority of us we'll never get there.

Second Place: Eliot Spitzer

(Thought bubble) "You know, I have a wife, kids, a pretty serious job in politics where I dictate state policy for millions upon millions of people. I'm seen almost nightly on the news, in the daily papers...I've been fairly successful in my life up to this point. But if I don't get some taut, young ass, I'm going to go fucking crazy. They never catch politicians hiring hookers, right?"
See, Spitzer gets it. He's totally devoted the OJ lifestyle. He threw everything he worked for away to hit some high-class tail. And by hit, I mean paid up the nose to rail a skank. Maybe this wasn't such a cool thing. It's above Eddie Murphy soliciting a dude, but below Clinton nailing an intern with a cigar (and getting away with it). As my friend Alex says, "Kids, if you work really hard, your fingers can smell like this."

Third Place: Shawn Kemp

I found this video in a Bill Simmons article about saving Seattle Supersonics basketball, and I realized I had forgotten how obnoxiously awesome The Reign Man was. He's possibly the most athletic power forward of all time, and a pretty sweet human to boot. He battled "Grandmama" Larry Johnson for the most bastard children in NBA history, some of whom are finally getting to the age where they can knock up a skirt and then bounce. Sadly, Shawn's precipitous weight gain in the late 90's brought an early end to his career. This begs the question, "How do you gain 60-80 pounds of fat in a year when you're a cokehead and your profession requires doing wind sprints for 48 minutes a day?"