Orenthal Condemnation #3

Jason Schwartzman

When I was 15, I was really pumped to see "Rushmore." It looked like it had a different blend of humor, interesting plot, and plenty of Bill Murray. It certainly lived up to expectations, and it's been one of my favorite movies since.
Schwartzman was a scene stealer in the flick, and then had a solid follow-up with the terribly underrated "Slackers." After that, he's decided to go down the "I'm a total prick-hipster-asshat" career path, taking roles in "Darjeeling Limited," and "Marie Antoinette." I haven't seen "Dewey Cox," and I've wanted to, but I must say that Schwartzman's appearance as whatever annoying Beatle has been one of my reasons for avoiding it.
To make matters worse, he got to lay down with a naked NatPo in "Hotel Chevalier," Wes Anderson's version of "Brown Bunny," only with Wes jerking off into his mouth instead of getting head from Chloe Sevigny. (Side note: This is the last time I mention NatPo - unless Stefano releases an avant gard sex tape with him wearing a ball gag, covered in candle wax, singing "Freak Me" by 90s immortals Silk, while NatPo shaves off his 90 pounds of pubic hair and lice with a straight razor and buttermilk. If you forget what he looks like, burn this into your brain, cut off your penis, and then try a cyanide taste test.)
I've heard numerous broads say, "Oh, I love Jason Schwartzman, he's so cute," and ignoring the undeniable fact that him and Wes have blowjob fests at each one of their wrap parties. He's a total fake, Phantom Planet sucks balls, and he's probably one of the main reasons that every asshole I see in New York has been wearing fucking corduroy blazers and ties on 95 degree days. If there's a God, they will all choke on tofutti and semen at their next pot luck dinner.
Wes Anderson can go fuck himself, too. "Bottle Rocket" and "Rushmore" were both fucking sick; every movie he made after that became a no-plot, way too stylish shit storm with understated dialogue that was supposed to come off as funny, but was pretentious instead. I hope his loafers slash his achilles tendons, causing Schwartzman to leave him for Adrian Brody.