NatPo, or Natalie Fucking Portman. I was totally shook. Not only is she crazy gorgeous and in rad films - see: Beautiful Girls, The Professional - but she's smart and incredibly charming. At the end of the night, every dude I was with was kicking themselves saying, "Man, I'm so pissed I didn't even attempt to say anything to her." I guess that's part of the attraction to her; she seems to be the opposite of superficial, so every normal, asshole loser (like me and my friends) convinces themselves that, in some perverted, bizarro world way, we could have had a shot. If we just said the right things, drop some Proust knowledge, make a casual reference to a hip indie band, talk about our ambitions (stony voiced "whaaa?"), we could break through and catch the girl of our dreams.
You know what the worst part is? I fell for the trap. Not in the sense that I wish I'd hit on her, because I wouldn't even know how to hit on Kathy Griffin. My regret is that I literally do nothing cool in my life because I don't take huge chances. I have no faith they'll work out in my favor. What would be the harm in embarrassing myself in front of Queen Amidala? Who gives a shit? Yeah, I'd walk away with a red face, but that's better than standing in the corner with my dick between my legs.
Actually, no, that's not the worst part. Today at work, I found out she's dating this dude. This is baffling slash more depressing than finding out that Mila Kunis is dating Macauley Culkin. So now I've decided to grow a beard, wear a Razlet, create some art or whatever, and become the biggest herb on earth because I guess that's what gets you smoking hot celebrities.
Fuck my life.
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